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"And now we return to our regularly schedualled program..." [29 May 2004|01:35pm]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

Ah Its nice to have things/ life (for me) going back to the way Im used to. That is; school, work, struggle to fit in hw, work , maybe go out w/ some ppl, ect. I like the familular...but sometimes you just need to have a little sudden inturruption in life. That was Grad-the one we all saw comming and could prepare for (to some degree). The other Suze taking off- not prepared for; no matter how obvios/or not the signs were. Im still feeling a little angerful about her whole take off and scare the shit out of everyone. Initially, I wanted to slap her and say "BITCH! What the hell were you trying to do?!" But I know that wouldnt really help anyone (her, me, others involved) So I thought I was "nice" on the phone, went into my whole phsyciatrist rant and advising speal. I know nothing I say will help her- unless she allows someone to help her.
I hope she just keeps fighting; if not for herself, than for someone she truely admires/ influences her. I told her that.
So Im just going to go in the shadows and be silent when she returns. Im kinda afraid I would make things worse if I have to face her (stupid fear maybe, but thats what I feel)

Anyways; grad was an awsome experiance for me, all parts of both evenings. Yeh sometimes at the time, I hoped it would go differently. But Im glad it went the way it did- it could have been worse (not going there-*shudders*)
I have alot of you to thank for the lovley memeories made=)
No, Im going to recapture my positive/blonde frame of mind. I like that outlook of life a hell of alot more than the bitch/negitive one I had before (I thought I had before...)

Hmmm... this is just alot of write the first thing that comes inot my head thing. But thats the best part of having an lj- I think...

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So lost in wonder.... [27 May 2004|11:33am]
[ mood | drained ]

Whats to say?
Shes gone....missing from us, no ideas to were she could have gone, to where she is, to were she's been (in herself and physically)
I feel kinda numb, like when you dont know ANYTHING...your unsure and no longer garenteed safety....Just to know anything even the unthinkable; I would like to know.

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sitting here wondering..... [27 May 2004|11:27am]
[ mood | discontent ]

pat kim vanya and amanda are scared
steph and kristina are still at school, as is lynn
suzy is missing
we don't have any idea where she is
why she left
when/if she'll come back
emotional breakdowns all year
we have no idea what's gonna happen
for now we just wait
if another day goes by
if a dreaded week goes by
if forever goes by
we hope she calls
calls someone

sitting here wondering....

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YAY=p [19 May 2004|09:05am]
[ mood | horny ]

HeYlo EvEryone!
I am in such a great mood as of late; could attest to my most recent new found wkend activities (lol) and the great weather!*Basking in HOT sunshine- batting eyelashes*
Hee HEE hee.. yes life is good in my eyes (and I hope to spread the joy to ppl!) So....Big smaking kisses to all- and some ass grabbing! LOL! Ya had to get that one out of my system
Anyways... ah VAN, I must get a note to you soon. O r we hook up and talk and I can update you on...stuff..heehee...
Sam and I are on good terms now; I dont feel uncertain about were we stand w/ oneanother. She has a letter comming to me (still *sigh) But I have found a place now that we dont seem to be so uncertain and mixed-messages.
We actually are both inredibly turned on and flirty; although that can be iffy too... ah well, going to play and enjoy it while it lasts.
Grad approaches...Im looking fwd to it actually; in the company of friends!
Bye for now!

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Still playing the game... [16 May 2004|02:50pm]
[ mood | calm ]

I finally got a hold of Sam last night; she couldnt talk then either b/c she had friends over ("its a bad time..") YA=(
Anyways Im going to deal w/ it on Mon. Im trying to not think of what will come up or what the latest letter will say.Its not worth worring over (and it wont change anything).
No; Im going to focus on work, hw, grad stuff and how awsomely beutiful and HOT it is outside to day!
And probably write notes to ppl and in my Soulbook.
*Content sigh(*-*) I feel a little better now.
I hope you all had a good wkend....Ill see yas tomorrow =)

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To My last commentor... [15 May 2004|02:53pm]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

I write b/c it puts shit into perspective for me. You've seen a bit of my Soulbook I belive; poems/journal enteries/ranting...it helps most of the time. I have alot of things to think about; to record and analyze. Its one of the only reliable things in my world right now.
I was happy; before I starded ranting about Sam on here.
Now, I think I ll go write and put all this into my Soul...

I used to lend it out (my book) for ppl to read, to experiance, to relate to. Now, I want it closed to prying/judging eyes.I hope you understand...

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Im back.... [15 May 2004|02:29pm]
[ mood | cranky ]

Ahhh, I feel strangly...fullfilled. (And a bit sore but Im not getting into THAT) Im in a good mood, stomache is full (and Smitty's is Yummy!) and I actually got a decent sleep!
YA, There is still stuff to sort out (w/ Sam, w/in myself)
I need to talk to her some more and she knows it. There's unfinished business to settle. I want it done w/ and she is making it difficult. We talk we write letters- but we never get to the damn point.Too many questions in my mind...too many mixed messages in those letters... it hurts like a dull aching pain. I want it to go away, and my only solution to that is to get some straight answers- the truth; no matter how it hurts.
She told me to call her this wkend, its importand and she needs to tell me something. Also that she is writing me another letter- Im anxious about what it may say. But Im going to be strong; I cant go on like I have- I need to move on.... It really hurt admitting that to myself- I wonder if itll hurt more when I say it to her.....
Anyways, its so importand(that I call her); I call. Is she there? No, and she isnt usually. And she obviously isnt going to contact me-*Sigh/annoyed-hurt* Ive been chasing her and chasing her. Im loosing the game. This game is no fun anymore- it never really was. Hmm, I wonder if either of us is even winning?
Should I stop trying? Or do I keep going?...

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Gone to find myself [10 May 2004|05:47pm]
[ mood | tired ]

Hmmm; not much to say as of yet. I should go to work on social hw. due for third pd- I will soon. But first I must go into my Soul and find myself; put everything into perspective (while trying to hide from the reality that is)

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One last word.. [09 May 2004|03:46pm]
[ mood | Better-but late for work! akc! ]

Hey to all my Drama ppl; iTs good to have you back!
Glad you had a good trip and all. Damned that you must return to snow/coldness. Ah well "weather changes; ppl not so much but just as frequently" (made it up)
See yas Mon am.

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Im ocnflicted/and exposed... [09 May 2004|03:16pm]
[ mood | moody ]

Ouch-The truth burns deep and true
Ppl/friends really see me when I dont and by the time I do; its too late for me (usually).
To the first commentor: I hate to admit (to myself) that you are right...and that Im thankful(begrudgingly, but still thankful) for ppl like you who keep it real for me; make me face the reality.
Please dont stop; even when I make it difficult and am as stubbron as hell/a pain in the ass.
Shit; I ve got alot to think about, hmmm?
Im going to go and stop sticking my foot in my mouth now...

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[08 May 2004|03:06pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Damn the school computers; I would have updated sooner had the Admin not locked our Accounting class off the net! Woe to me; now Im doomed to pay attention-BORING!
Ah well; I must get things cleard up w/ certain ppls at school (namely Nick/Stalker and Sam) I am finally relizing DIRECT COMMUNICATION is in fact nessicary (thanks to my friends who have been banging that into my head all along)
And for those who know of my current Friday plans, relxax!
I know you all care about me and are worried and/or jelous or whatever but its up to me (Im a big girl now) If I learn the hard way then I will learn the lesson well(that goes to say should anything go wrong).
I want to do this for my own reasons and Im going to do this right(by being prepared/responsible and doing my H.W)
Im not going to explain myself anymore; Im going to try to stop blurting out everything to everyone (try..hahaha..well see how long that one lasts)=
And for Rob; hey, need a shoulder to cry on? Maybe a rewind button (sorry, not in this life-dont we wish?) I can relate to what you were saying in the last few lines of your entry ["I hate ..."to the end]YA- not much more to say, about anything as of now.
See yas

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Pretty Damn Great! [05 May 2004|07:57pm]
[ mood | horny ]

Oh baby, whos got too much energy?
Anynoe want a piece? ANYONE?! LOL, How's about a little taste? HEEHEEHEEHEE!
I know ppls who do (and he who offers shall recieve a reward)
I wonder if thats actually a quote- I made it up otherwise.
Ah, life is about to take a an interresting twist....
Who wants to ride along? Heeheeeheee! *SMACK/KISSES*

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uh-oh(not!) [04 May 2004|07:34am]
[ mood | content ]

Still Happiness, except the fact that we are now begining Ch6 in Accounting and I didnt finish CH 5- aH well, I was doing something so much more enjoyable....
NO!yousickppl!NOT thtat(not as of yetheeheeeheee!)
I was at breakfast w/ Vanya & Sarah! Yummy french toast forever! (damn, now I crave french toast)
Meh, g2g back to work on the stupid form.
Oh yeah, the computers are all mucked up still and Nick tried to sit next to me.
He was awul quick to lend me money though... a shame Im too nice to take advantage of that "generosity" LOL

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Blue Sparklies =) [04 May 2004|07:16am]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

Yahooo! Im in such a great mood! HEHEEHEHEEHE!
YA, IM not high Im just feeling some good enrgies after a deep, deep sleep. Im so happy- I hope everyone can get a little piece of my good energies! Love to all!

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Help ! [02 May 2004|03:33pm]
[ mood | amused ]

Heya! Love! *GIANT HUGS* Ya, I just have to say I missed everyones company Fri night but hope you all had a good time.
That little quiz? Apparently Id have sex on the couch w/ ghosts of drama students past! LOL! I hope they are still kickin! Heeheheheheeeeheee! (Hey! This cherry reminds me of Sam! Hot!)
Bye bye for now ppls =)

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SunnySundays [02 May 2004|03:10pm]
Third Entry
Well, I got the last peice of my birthday cake, at least (my family was into it last night and I had to work)So I missed out on the whole blowing out candles/wish thing- I dont even know what I'd wish for.... sucess I suppose;and banishing that deep seeded loneliness that fills me. Ugh, thats deppressing- onkay, onto something else...
Anyone have a story? I suppose Ill go find out myself- I look fwd to hearing all about Drie's sleepover btw! Come Monday Ill be in a more fullfilled mood- I guess I just miss ppls company (*Sniffle)= Love A.
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Bday Update [01 May 2004|03:12pm]
Second entry
Hey to all- heres a quick recap of my birthday "party"
The surprise outing to Red Robin was fun and I am oh so thankful to those who plotted it or else I would have nothing to write about!
Seriously, someone should have kidnapped me! I ended up staying at home and wathcing MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING w/ my family. (We had smarties but no yummy cake yet*sigh)My brothers were noisy and Farren couldnt come to sleep over.
Sorry, Im sounding bitter and ungrateful- it really wasnt so horrible to stay home and do whatever I wanted; it is just that I didnt want to stay home.
I hope that I can make this up to myself (by having a kickass outing/crazy party w/ ppl!) Anyone up for a summer get together?
Ah I will just have to find things/ ppl to keep me occupied until then!
Love to all! ALF =)
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Birthday! [30 Apr 2004|09:45am]
[ mood | good ]

First entry.

Yay! Ive enterd the world of live jurnals- what tale sshall I tell/ read/ indulge in? Heeheehee...
Yes so as most of you ppl know its my big 18 (although it dosnt feel as life altering-yet) Its like turning 16, more so "special" as 15 but not to me it seems.
Am I making any sense?

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